Tod Rasmussen/The Reporter Narinder Bains (right) and her sisters-in-law, Tejinder Bains (left) and Mohinder Mahill, all had arranged marriages.

Following custom

By Barbara Smith/Reporter Staff

Like Cinderella, a traditional Sikh woman knows that someday her prince will come - with a little help from her parents.

Romance, love and marriage - the conventional order of things in America - is often reversed in Sikh culture where, for generations, marriages have been arranged by parents.

Such was the case of Narinder Bains, 45, of Vallejo. She was 24, a college graduate living in Punjab, India, when her parents arranged her marriage to Harinder Singh Bains.

He was working in America, but traveled to India to fetch his lovely bride. When they returned to America, she brought along her traditional red wedding gown and jewelry.

Bains spoke softly during a worship session at the rural Fairfield temple, saying she was happy with her 21-year marriage and had no regrets. She said both she and her husband trusted their parents' judgment more than their own.

"It is kind of a forced love," Bains acknowledged. "But after you get married you get attached. Parents are always good judges."

Bains maintained that parents who arrange marriages between their children are simply trying to ensure that their children have successful lives.

"They always try to find a beautiful match so we should live a happy life," she said.

Arranged or assisted marriages are common in many cultures worldwide. And until 1961, women in India were considered unmarriageable unless their parents provided a dowry. That system was outlawed by the Indian government, but East Indians say it is still common.

"Our family doesn't believe in the dowry system, his or mine," said Bains, adjusting a silk scarf that is the same soft pink as her Punjabi suit, a knee-length silk gown worn with matching pants.

Wearing the traditional suits in shades of cinnammon and royal blue, two sisters-in-law joined Bains on the floor of the temple during the worship. Both have successful arranged marriages, they said.

"In our parents' time, it was different," noted Mohindervir Mahill, 51, of Vallejo."It was common at that time."

Bains was not allowed to date - by custom - even though she was a grown woman in college. That didn't bother her. When Harvinder came into her life, he visited her family. They had an opportunity to get to know each other, at least on some level. Bains says she found her proposed husband good-looking and acceptable. She was not forced into the marriage.

"They gave us the choice," said Bains. "But in my belief, the parents are always right."

But as much as Bains respects the system, she and her husband do not plan to arrange marriages for their sons, 16 and 20.

"No, the time is different," said Bains. "People are encouraged to marry in their own community. But it's up to them, you know. They listen to me, but the culture here is totally different."

By community, Bains means within the Sikh religion. If either of her sons decides to marry outside of their religion, she would accept it, with reservations, she said. She would look for certain attributes in a prospective daughter-in-law before passing judgment, such as respect for elders, strong family values and a good personality.

"We always tell them to value our own culture," she added.

The belief that parents know best is fiercely defended by Jasmine Bhullar, 13, of Fairfield, an American-born Sikh.

Pausing in the breezeway at the temple one Sunday morning, Jasmine said she even embraces restrictions that forbid dating before one completes college and turns 21.

"That's out of the question," Jasmine said. "Why do you need to date? Education comes first, and when the time is right, then you can look for somebody. And sometimes, the parents arrange the marriage."

Jasmine was wearing the traditional Punjabi suit in lavender. Her friend, 14-year-old Manvir Binning of Vallejo, wore a suit as well, but topped it with a jeans jacket.

Manvir agreed that education was a priority, but was less certain about the traditional stands on dating and marriage. She doesn't really mind not being able to date, but some do, and hide their relationships, she confided.

"But you can't," interjected Jasmine. "That's just the way we're taught to think. We don't think it's strict. That's our way of thinking."

"Some people do it," Manvir said, "But you have to listen to your parents."

Manvir said her older sister, 21, wants to be a nurse and establish her career before marrying. But her parents are encouraging her to marry now.

"She said not yet, in a few years," Manvir said, adding that they are pressuring her "a little bit."

But Jasmine said that's ultimately the parents' decision.

"If they decided, I would listen to them. I would be respectful to my parents," she said.

If there is a choice of spouse, it should be a Sikh, both said.

"Some parents, they let you choose the Indian guy you want, after education," Manvir said.

"Some parents let their child marry a white person," Jasmine said. "But it's very rare."

It is better to share the same religion, Jasmine explained.

"There's really no choice," she said. "You marry the person who has the same religion as you. We're Sikh."

Barbara Smith can be reached at dixon@thereporter.com.