By Barbara Smith/Reporter Staff
Charan Kaur Atwal is 89 years old, virtually bed ridden and requires around-the-clock care.
She is simply old, and suffers from dementia. While she cannot well articulate her feelings, one can guess she is comforted by the knowledge that she will live her final years at home, with her family by her side.
Her husband of 65 years, Jarnail Atwal, 82, and their daughter-in-law, Jatinder Atwal, both care for Charan - cheerfully. Jatinder quit her job to attend to the needs of her mother-in-law, taking on a daily routine of cooking special foods, bathing and dressing her, and combing her hair.
That's not unusual in Sikh families, said Gurpreet Dhugga, a Sikh-American and physician at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Fairfield. Sikhs faced with the failing health of their elderly do not pack them off into convalescent hospitals, he said.
By their culture, Sikhs are notably family oriented, with parents sacrificing their own desires for the betterment of their children's lives and futures.
"Kids see and realize their parents' contributions as they grow older and they want and are expected to pay back by taking good care of their elderly," Dhugga said.
The children then become their role models, and the cycle goes on, Dhugga said.
It is common to see three generations of Sikhs living under the same roof, as well. Sikh families are not just two parents and their children, but include grandparents who emigrate from India to be with their families.
"Even though they have their own house, own social circle, own friends back in India, they will leave everything just to be with their children and grandchildren," Dhugga said.
Until recently, four generations of Atwals lived in the Atwal family home in an upscale Fairfield neighborhood owned by Jarnail's son, Pawittar Atwal, 58. Pawittar's son, Gurpreet, 32, along with his wife and baby daughter, recently moved out because they bought their own home. A second son, Ravinder, 28, works in Fremont and the Atwal home is his home base.
Pawittar's parents, Jarnail and Charan, moved into the home of their son about 10 years ago.
"We were alone," Jarnail said simply. "They could not look after us in India, so they look after us here."
Pawittar said that at one point his mother became seriously ill and was hospitalized in intensive care. A physician urged the family to move his mother into a convalescent home.
"She asked me not to send her there," Pawittar said. "She wanted to stay home."
He said it is painful see his mother suffer, "But what can we do? It's only that we have to take care of her, that's all. It's better that she's at home."
Grandparents' contributions to the Sikh home are both a convenience and a complement to the family structure in many ways, Dhugga said. The grandparents often care for their grandchildren so both parents can work.
"Usually grandparents are more interested in their grandchildren than their own children," he said. "I've seen the families where the grandparents are there, then kids are much more well behaved."
From the very beginning, the children are taught to respect the elderly, and behave in front of others, especially not interrupting if somebody is speaking, he said.
He sees fewer psychological problems with Sikh children than mainstream American children, and credits the Sikh family structure.
"I won't say there is none, but relatively less because of their family support, social support, or spiritual inclinations. They tend to take solace in their religious beliefs," he said.
Sikh children, for example, tend to do more activities with their parents.
"Their lifestyle revolves around their kids, their vacations are usually not to exotic places, but to Disneyland, Marine World, and on weekends, Sikh temple," he said. "They don't leave kids to go on vacation to Hawaii."
The social support within the Sikh family is strong. Whenever there is a problem - financial, marital, any problem, - Sikhs rally to help themselves rather than seek outside help.
"Everybody will go out of their way to help you," he said. "Mostly, I think it's good. The negative thing is sometimes you lose your privacy."
Jarnail Atwal is in excellent health, light on his feet and robust in his laugh - clearly enjoying his twilight years. He talks about his religion, his philosophies, politics, his past as an international hockey player and the years he fought for the British Army during World War II.
And, his grandchildren listen, he said.
"History is very important," Jarnail said.
When the Sikh grandfather lives in the home, he remains an authority figure in some sense, Dhugga said.
"They could still be the leader at the home, the guiding light," he said. "They could provide the guidance, they could suggest things, but the decision-making still goes to the breadwinner, or the income-producing couple, because they have more idea of how things work in America."
In the Atwal home, Jarnail and his son share in major decisions, they both agreed.
Jarnail is content because his children are successful, as well as his grandchildren, who work in the professions of accounting, computer science and business administration. He said he approves of his family acclimating into the American culture.
"I'm happy to be with the whole family," Jarnail said. "They are all healthy and well settled."